Strange Winds
by Space Usuki
Summary: Convoluted love polygons! Exaggerations! Diminuitive pirates! High Adventure! ...Well maybe not the last one.
1. Duct Tape

Komali had waited so long.  
  
So long..  
  
Too long.  
  
He stared anxiously at the horizon from his perch on the ledge, waiting.  
  
Waiting...  
  
...waiting for the aching in his heart to dull to something manageable so he didn't explode...  
  
How many days since Ganondorf's defeat had gone by? How many days had he waited here sleeplessly?  
  
And he saw it then.  
  
There, on the edge of his vision, he saw something that made his heart stop, and then thump wildly.  
  
A blot of slow-moving crimson was heading for the island at an excruciating pace. Komali longed to pluck it from the horizon and..snuggle it. He gave a cry of frustration and forced himself not to fly towards it.  
  
It would be so easy! And the horrible longing would be gone, and he would be happy again..  
  
..And after what felt like hours, the boat landed.  
  
The object of his heart's desire was on the island.  
  
Link was there.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Link glanced around nervously as he waded onto the island.  
  
He couldn't help being nervous.  
  
I mean, if you'd been tackled, tied and gagged, and then taped to the wall of a cavern.  
  
He didn't even know where Komali had found the tape, even.  
  
It was creepy.  
  
Cautiously, he walked up the sandy path to the mailbox, letter in hand.  
  
"Stupid mail-order limited edition figurines.." He mumbled, all but inaudiably as he dropped the envelope in.  
  
And then shrieked in horror as a figure swooped down from the cliff above.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Komali," Link pleaded, horrified, from where he was coccooned against the wall, enveloped in the horrid chemical-smelling...'duct tape?' Wasn't that what they called it?  
  
Horrid stuff.  
  
"Can't we please just talk about this?"  
  
"I'm listening." The Rito prince was beaming.  
  
Link felt ill. If he could just get to one of his weapons, he could get free, he was sure..  
  
"Look, Komali.." He grinned broadly, a bead of sweat trickling past his ear.  
  
Hookshot?  
  
No. Would puncture it before it sliced it.  
  
"I really don't think, um.." Very bad look in Komali's eye. Veery bad.  
  
Grappling hook was blunt..telescope would be absolutely worthless, really..skull hammer would probably crush him..  
  
"...that we should go fast about this..." Link cringed inwardly at this, but at least Komali didn't look quite so...possibly homocidal. Which was good.  
  
"Oh, I see." Komali said softly, a kind of crazy grin forming on his face.  
  
His sword was pinned, but maybe he could saw through with an arrow..no. Komali would have noticed by then..but he had no choice now, as he began to slowly work his arm back to the quiver hanging there.  
  
"You're worried what they'll think when they find out we're-"  
  
"K'MLI-KINS!"  
  
A speeding figure barreled, wind whistling through pinion feathers.  
  
"ARRG! GET -OFF- ME, MEDLI!"  
  
"Komali-smoochy-woochy-kuddly-wuddly-luvvy-bunny-wunnykins!" Squealed the Rito girl, who Link had...previously viewed as more mature than Komali. So much for that.  
  
Biting back a fit of laughter at the sight before him, Link sawed determinedly through duct tape with a single plain arrow.  
  
Medli was clinging delightedly to Komali's neck, who was trying in vain to pry her off him. Feathers were swirling around, stirred gently by the breeze.  
  
Link was free.  
  
"Finally.." He breathed, sneaking quietly past the pair of Rito. Medli was trying to give the prince something the bird tribe had dubbed a 'Valoo Hug' for reasons unknown to Link, who was by this time, making smooth, fluid movements in the air with the silver baton known as the Wind Waker.  
  
"Southwest," He murmered, turning his head to watch stray feathers blown into the water. Staring for a moment, the boy hopped into the boat, swiftly set up his sail with the smooth familiarty of long practice.  
  
And he was going.  
  
--  
  
A/N: I am odd, yes I am. 8D! 


	2. Sweet Revenge and Meteorology

A cry of frustration escaped the amusingly short pirate's lips.  
  
Tetra's fist got to know her desk in a brief but painful meeting, causing much frustrated cursing, and a wince from Gonzo, who was peering into the room nervously.  
  
"..Miss Tetra?" He called anxiously.  
  
A growl.  
  
"What do you want, Gonzo?!" She wheeled around, a rather feral look upon her face. The pirate 'meeped' and backed away.  
  
"Um, we're there, Miss.."  
  
"Finally..." A particularly deranged smirk crossed Tetra's face then.  
  
"Skirt boy is gonna PAY for that New Year's Eve party...oh yeees he'll pay..."  
  
Indulging herself in a fit of maniacal laughter, the girl rubbed her hands together and walked out of her cabin.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
"Come ON, Makar! It can't possibly hurt anything!"  
  
The 9-year-old stomped her foot and glowered at the diminuitive Korok before her, who was attempting to hide behind his violin.  
  
And failing rather spectacularly.  
  
"Arryl, there's EVERYTHING that could go wrong! WE COULD END UP AS FISH!"  
  
Death glare.  
  
The leaf-child cringed and decided it was a good time for a tactful retreat.  
  
"..which is to say it'll work perfectly..."  
  
Satisfied grin. Makar gave a feeble laugh.  
  
'Oh sweet goddesses the deku tree is going to mulch me...'  
  
"I'll go get everyone. You study the song!"  
  
Makar winced as Aryll traipsed off merrily, content in her victory.  
  
It was really his fault, after all. He had found the old book.  
  
Suggested they find out what in Din's name it was.  
  
Opened it to the page with the bleedin' spell on it.  
  
Then again he HAD tried to get away...the girl had foiled that plan by grabbing him by the leg.  
  
Sighing in defeat, he slumped over.  
  
'To revert to thine humyn form, one must fyrst gathyr the   
  
toothe of 1 wolfos  
  
the seede of 6 deku babas'  
  
Makar blinked. This would be a bit more difficult than he'd thought..  
  
-------------------------------  
  
"Soo..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Aren't we supposed to like, smite them for mettling in our, um, affairs, and like, stuff?"  
  
"Farore, you ditz, this is comedy. Now pass the popcorn."  
  
A scuffle broke out amongst the three Goddesses, puzzling a Windfall meteoroligist as the sudden thunderstorm caused people screamed and ran for cover under the tree, innocent in their lack of knowledge and likely to be barbequed.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
A/N: That's makar/arryl in case you can't tell. : screw love triangle, this is a love...um. a geometric shape with a lot of sides!  
  
And to KittHorse: You're right. :3 I support Komali/Medli actually. But this is me trying to set up as many crazy pairings as is (not) feasible and make it FUNNY. :D 


	3. Coffee

Link sighed with relief as he sipped at the coffee. Blessed coffee. Nectar of the godesses or summat. Wonderful when one needed to stay awake and alert and far faaar away from demented bird-princes.

Laughing inwardly at his dashing escape, Link recalled it all. The horrible bondage gear (read as: nothing) Komali had shown him, the effeminate bird-boy's bird-brained schemes to make the charmingly rugged blonde hero into his twisted love-slave! His daring escape from the taloned clutches of the pigeon-headed prince and his harpy of a sage cohort!

He was broken out of his exaggerated revelry by a faceful of fuming pirate, unfortunately. Link 'eeped' and shrunk backward as Tetra glared daggers at him.

"I am going to hurt you soooo badly that your _GRANDCHILDREN_ will be born with scars!" She snarled, whipping out her dagger.

"I'M GOING TO CUT OFF YOUR BAAAA-"

Gonzo delicately picked the screeching pirate up by the back of her vest, grinning sheepishly at Link, who was blushing inexplicably.

"RRRRRGH! NOOOBODY PARADES MY DIN-DAMNED UNDIES AROUND TOWN AND REMAINS UNSCATHED! NOOOOOOOBOOOOOODEEEEEEEE!"

She kicked out wildly, leaping from the thuggish pirate's grasp and giving a potted plant a flying kick. She then realized that _maybe that wasn't a good idea_ as her right foot exploded into pain.

"SONUVA -"

She launched into a series of violent curses, mostly involving the Godesses' more..delicate bodyparts. Several sailors blushed, and one fainted daintily, dropping his flowered teacup and laying there, pinky still out.

Link winced - possibly from sympathy, but more likely because of Tetra's .. colourful language. Gonzo tapped her lightly on the shoulder and muttered something to her, which probably was what caused her to plop down in the lotus position. We can only hope.

"Caaalming circles...calming circles.." She inhaled deeply, eyes closed, then hopped up. Snapping her fingers delicately at Gonzo, she pranced off down the stairs.

Gonzo gave Link another sheepish grin before plucking the lightweight hero off the ground like a raisin and slinging him over his well-muscled shoulder, much to said hero's displeasure.

He proceeded to launch quite a deal of verbal abuse on Gonzo and his mother, which caused the large pirate's ears to turn a subtle shade of crimson.

---

Tetra surveyed her cabin for a moment, staring around ponderously.

"Mm. Gonzo, be a dear and stick him on the bed for me." She said, grinning at the tunicked boy who was now tied up thoroughly, not to mention attacking the much larger pirate with a volley of unpleasent cursing.

Motioning vaguely for him to bugger off, she closed the heavy drapes that would close off the room from any curious pirates. Well, ideally, the boys would always just crowd around outside..she needed to get a door.

She stalked over to the bed, grinning nastily at the captive. As she had said..

_Nobody_ revealed that she wore pink boxers to the population of Windfall and got away with it.

"Soo.." She said in an artificially sweetened tone, stroking her chin ponderously.

"Where shall I begin dismembering you? Or maaaybe I'll just tie you to a pole on some remote island...Five-Eye Reef is looking aaaawfully remote." She smirked, eyes narrowed.

_Holy Din this is..kinky. _Commented a rather obnoxious voice in his head.

_Oh shut up, would you?_ He blushed, wriggling weakly against the rope.

She raised an eyebrow, staring piercingly at him.

"Or maybe I'll.." She went oddly quiet and tapped the side of the bed, while his mind was busily thinking of a great number of rather perverted ends to that sentance. Another portion of his brain that he had privately labeled the 'half-assed survival turd' kicked into action as a particularly evil grin slowly formed on the girl pirate's face.

Wobbling desperately back and forth, Link managed to knock himself on top of Tetra, who gave an indignant if muffled shriek. All rational thought fled as survival instincts surfaced and the hero planted a full-blown kiss on her lips.

"**MMRGH!**" Long hours of ranting from Gonzo during her childhood returned to the pirate's mind and she kneed upward. Link let out a shrill yelp and fell off the bed, eyes crossing as the furious female stood up, fuming.

_"What in all bloody hell do you think you're doing?!" _She shrieked, blushing horribly as her right eye twitched slightly.

"...paiiiin..."

---

A/N: Whargh. D:


	4. Tastes Like Furious Pigeon

And Komali burst into the cabin, eyes alight with avian fury, an image of winged righteousness. This effect was only slightly spoiled by the cooing sage clamped onto his arm, having a one-sided discussion on how many children they would have. He glowered at Tetra as though his feathers were about to combust with rage.

"_What _are you doing to my cuddlemuffins, you despicable sea-wench!" He howled, pointing at her accusationally.  
"I'm going to gut him like a fish, and then I'm going to string his lifeless corpse from my mast, and..." The pirate's voice dropped to a mumble, her face still scarlet.  
"I SHALL GIVE YOU WHAT FOR, DAUGHTER OF A DERANGED OCTOROK!"

And with that, the bird-prince lunged, tackling Tetra and trying to claw her eyes out. Medli squawked, startled, as she was launched into the air by the unexpected movement.

"WHAT THE NINE HELLS ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID CUCCO-BRAINED TWIT-" The pirate twisted, kicking up into the Rito's stomach. He made a rather interesting "glurk" noise. Medli stood up, horrified and slightly disoriented.

"I'LL SAVE YOU K'MLI-KINS!" She cried, launching herself into the fray.

Link, meanwhile, had slipped free of his bonds. Tip-toeing cautiously past the confused brawlers, who were now moving too quickly to distinguish one from another for more than a moment.  
Slowly he pushed aside the curtain, while Tetra's voice howled a series of deadly insults against the parents, relations, and pets of anyone in a 10-foot radius.

He was greeted by a puzzled cluster of pirates, several of them sporting bird-like footprints on their faces.  
For a moment they stared at him, and he at them, and...

Then Link ran for all he was worth, launching himself through the door, leaping off the side of the ship, and... finding himself in a blank stretch of ocean with menacing, turnip-like Seahats all around.

He screamed.  
And screamed.   
Inside Tetra's cabin, several bottles broke.  
The fighters sat on the floor, blinking.  
And Link continued screaming at the top of his lungs. Tetra cringed, plugging her ears with her fingers, and rushed out of her cabin.

And then Link gasped for air, inhaled seawater, choked... and slipped under the waves.

From the deck, Tetra watched, horrified, as he bobbed up and down like a cork wrapped in a windsock. Komali raced up, opening his mouth to speak, and shrieked in horror.

"LINKYPOOOO! NOOOOOO!"

The Rito prince leapt onto the railing of the boat and dove into the waves, surfacing and gasping like a fish out of water. Or in this case a bird out of air.

* * *

Miles and miles away, Makar was slowly advancing on a Boko Baba. 

"...n-nice planty thing... pleeease don't eat me..." He whimpered, inching nearer... nearer... and stabbing it viciously with his violin bow.

The monster squealed like a photosynthetic mouse that had been trodden on and snapped at him. Makar shrieked and stumbled backward.

"I'm doomed..." He mumbled, jabbing at it again. This time the carnivorous, glorified daisy swallowed him.

* * *

A/N: Holy crapdoodles I haven't updated this in over a year. That took me way too long. I hope this chapter's good enough.  



End file.
